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Published on December 11th, 2010 | by admin


No Protocol Observed

Never mind Vision 2030, here’s Vision 2011. All you need to know about what will happen next year, sort of:

   Namibians celebrate a new year wondering what it might bring: a new editor of Informante? A new editor of The Namibian? A march against GIPF’s squandering that actually might take place? An opposition that is something other than enfeebled?  A reduction in the level of violence against women and children? Pigs flying over the Khomas Hochland?

   The newly installed governors settle into their jobs which mainly involve (a) telling regional councils what to do and (b) telling regional councils what to do. However since regional councils don’t do anything, the work involved amounts to virtually zip. Nice salaries and perks tho’.

   The long-rumoured civil servants’ action finally takes place when Evilastus Kaaronda, a couple of his Facebook friends, and two stray dogs march on the GIPF offices. However, there is no one to receive their petition as the top brass are all still enjoying their enforced paid holidays in Mauritius.

   Namibia continues to develop its non-aligned foreign policy by blaming almost everybody else for its balls-ups. Hence a new fake terrorist bomb found at Hosea Kutako Airport is first blamed on the Germans and then the Americans before it is discovered that is actually a device for waking up the President when he nods off at boring international meetings.

   The High Court announces that it would not be able to deliver a judgement in the long-running election case as it has exceeded its own time limits. Just as the opposition had initially been 90 minutes late in filing the case, the Court admits that it was a year late in handing down judgement and therefore in the interests of consistency has to rule itself out of order on a technicality. The ECN declares the verdict ‘a triumph for democracy’, everybody else yawns.

   Following the decline of Informante in the post-Hamata era, Namibian journalists set up their own Wikileaks website to publish details of diplomatic traffic between the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and its embassies. However, apart from shopping lists sent to staff in New York, Paris and Berlin there doesn’t appear to be any diplomatic traffic. The site is quickly changed into one that exposes men who urinate in public (wikileaks – geddit?).

   The war veterans decide to side with Evilastus Kaaronda over the GIPF in the hope that they can get their hands on the missing N$600 million to add to the several billion dollars already coming their way.  A new march is organized involving 10 civil servants and 5,000 war veterans. Government responds by setting up a Ministry of GIPF Affairs to oversee the forensic audit and decide how much everyone should get.

   Swapo urges the opposition to get more organized and become more visible as they urgently need to vent their feelings of hatred against them through references to Satan, cockroaches etc – otherwise they may have to start targeting rival camps within the party in the run up to the 2012 congress.

   In order to offer an alternative to the boredom induced by not having an election this year, a special boxing match is organized: The Hitman versus the Terminator in which the Hitman is allowed to have Jason Statham in his corner offering advice while the Terminator is allowed to have Arnie Schwarzenegger giving him tips. The fight, as usual, is decided in the first round when The Terminator’s body armour successfully resists the shots from the Hitman’s AK47. Nestor Tobias immediately licenses a computer game based on the bout.

   The opposition finally agree on a coalition deal. They decide to unite under the banner of the only name on the results announcements apart from Swapo that has been showing a steady increase in recent years: Rejected Ballots

   The Filipino soap opera Timeless lives up to its name as it is still being screened by NBC. However, the plot is so repetitive no one can be sure if the NBC is screening episodes it has already shown or not. Meanwhile, the national broadcaster promises to sort out the problem with the soapie’s scratchy sound quality by the end of 2012.

   The draft of the court judgement in the election case is leaked to the real Wikileaks website which is now hosted on the planet Zarg where Julian Assange lives in exile. The judgement calls for a new election to be held. However, by then the opposition are so bankrupt and generally donnered that they can’t be bothered to do anything about it. The ECN calls it ‘a triumph for democracy’. Everybody else goes on holiday.

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