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Published on December 11th, 2010 | by admin



with Madam F

It’s that time of the year again, when parents assemble all their bundles of joy, or in some cases bundles of sorrow, to go on holiday. Then there are those who have added ‘baby’ on their list of achievements for 2011.  I am not a parent, at least not yet, but I was a child once so I assume it would be safe to take parenting advice from me.
Let me give you a couple of reasons why you probably should not have kids. At least not now.

1. You will never ever look or feel the same again (mostly applies to women)
   Show me a woman who says having a child has not changed her and I would give that woman N$25,000, which I don’t have … at this point. What I mean to say is, children mess you up. First, they call you ‘mom’ or ‘ma.’ If well mannered and advanced, they’ll probably call you ‘mother’. But that’s the best you’ll ever get.  People who play around with lifeless computer programmes to design websites are referred to as webmasters. Sounds fancy compared to ‘ma’ doesn’t it? I say ditch the baby-making and apply for a course in web design come 2011. Websites don’t cry or get sick and if you are stuck you can undo or start all over again.

2. They are a blatant expense
   First it’s the milk, daycare, and nappies  …  then the attitude increases as the need for the previously mentioned items decrease. You have to put up with this attitude – and for what exactly?  A human? No thank you. Rather invest in an asset like land that you can actually build on. Build on a child and the Ministry of Gender Equality and Child Welfare will be on your case. Margaret Mensah-Williams, to be precise.
3. Children create problems
   Problems that parents are unable to solve. Like impregnating or getting pregnant. Their obvious defence would be, you did it… so why shouldn’t we?  Now you don’t only have one problem on your hands, but two to look after.

4. They are unreliable
   As a parent, you never know how reliable your children are until you’re dead. That’s the danger of giving life to a person and letting them live it the way they see fit. I am not saying that children are not to be trusted. They can be, as long as you are insured.

5. They basically tell you how to behave, without saying it
   You might not realise how much your life is going to change until your significant other informs you about the bun in the oven but it will. And once that child arrives, all fun goes right out the window. For example, you don’t walk around naked at home anymore unless you want to answer some really embarrassing questions. Then there’s the smoking and drinking in the comfort of your home. No one told you to stop but your child’s presence makes it the right thing to do. All in all, parents are ruled by their children. Most would disagree and argue that it’s the other way around but it’s okay, you can admit it. There are no children here.

6. They’re like tenants who never pay rent
   It’s amazing how little tolerance we have for other people unless they are our children. Imagine if someone were to live in your house for about 25 years, all expenses paid? Unlike real tenants, your children are leaseholders with an enormous amount of freedom to make demands for things that the average lodger would otherwise not ask for. And even after doing all these favours for free, these children fail to understand why they need to help around the house. Ungrateful so-and-sos.

7. They are embarrassing
   Becoming a parent means, your chances of being embarrassed at parties, in public or even at funerals are significantly increased. I remember times when as kids, we were not allowed to hang around the house when we had guests because it always seemed like the perfect time to misbehave. Our mother would be there, profusely apologising to the guests and explaining how ‘her kids didn’t always behave in that specific’ manner. We were the source of her headaches and anxiety attacks and I cannot recall the number of times we messed up in front of strangers. The justification was always ‘we were just kids.’

8. They are bad investments
   A child must be the most risky investment a parent can ever make. It’s like gambling. The only thing you’re sure of is that you have a 95 percent chance of losing but because you are convinced that this person was made by you, you sort of hope that matters will change for the better. Sometimes they do but most of the time they don’t. Imagine putting this child through school and doing everything possible to secure a bright future for him. You steer their minds towards having a qualification in law only for your child to want to do hair or venture into the Namibian music industry which cannot even pay for their monthly public transport. Talk about being kicked in the teeth.

9. They make you less intelligent
   All people are smart, until they become parents. The things parents do for the sake of their children are quite sickening sometimes. Parents will endure tough working environments just so they can send the source of their embarrassment to school. For some parents, the words ‘selfishness’ and ‘me’ do not exist. There is another form of stupidity: men who conceive kids and run away. Everything was pretty fine, until the baby came along. A real father would, so to say, hang around for a while but a really stupid one would say he’s off to buy some milk and just never return. That’s the price you pay for making babies. So do your kids a favour. Don’t have any.

10. They are yours!
   And this is the worst part. Whatever trait your kids have, chances are they got it from somewhere. No, do not even think of looking the other way. They got it from you! The fact that you exist means that you are responsible. So you bloody well take care of them because they are precious.

PS: Seeing as this is the season for giving and receiving, parents please buy your children something useful like a DIY car maintenance kit or a dishwasher. I heard that kids nowadays really dig that kinda stuff. :0)

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